Let it go: a foundational practice

I recently told a friend, over coffee, that I had only one choice left- to let it go. To surrender all the things I thought I knew to be true in life- to let it all fall apart. And she asked me what that meant to me. I had to think for a moment!

Perhaps you’ve heard me say this before, but it’s worth repeating! You know those sand toys that you take to the beach & they have a mesh or plastic strainer in the bottom… Well, Glennon Doyle shared a story of that in a book she wrote- or a blog post- or something- I can’t remember… but I thought it was brilliant! It IS a brilliant visual. She talks about scooping up your life like a bunch of sand & shaking that strainer to see which big chunks or rocks or pieces of gold are left in the bottom. And then she talks about those large pieces are the things that matters- the things that really matter. The things we lean on when all else falls apart. The rest is just sand. Sure, it’s nice to have around and to dig your toes into or to build castles with… but it’s not something we can build our foundations on.

I had built my life on sand, without a strong foundation.

I knew bits and pieces of what I wanted. Some of it I actually wanted, some of it my family wanted for me, some of it society told me I wanted, some of it social media led me to believe I wanted… so I just kept building! Some of the signs I followed, some I ignored. Some of the red flags I noticed, many I ignored- I was busy, I had some momentum, don’t stop now, ‘just keep swimming’ (Finding Nemo reference!)… And finally, I arrived! I had all the things- mostly the way I thought they should be. I had a husband & 2 beautiful children and a home and great friends and supportive, loving family and a job I loved and we were all healthy and well. On the outside, it was lovely. Inside, I felt empty. How could I have all of this and not be able to FEEL the gratitude? I had SO much to be grateful for.

Each time I felt a crack in the foundation (each time I knew something wasn’t right or working or flowing or healthy), I just patched it up and ignored it and went right on building. I did this over and over again. It was exhausting. But I barely noticed. I thought my job, as woman and mother and wife, was to keep it all together & pick up all the loose ends & patch all the rough spots. While remembering to be grateful for all I had, bypassing the truth of what was going on (that’s a HUGE part of the situation- but more on that later)!

It wasn’t all bad, friends. In fact, it all felt really ‘normal’ to me. It felt normal, but not congruent. In the depths of my being I knew this wasn’t the life for me. Putting myself on the back burner for the sake of my loved ones- neglecting myself- starving myself of life’s pleasures and abundance- it almost killed me! I knew these things leading up to my diagnosis- that this life wasn’t sustainable- but I didn’t know how to change it. I knew the relationship I had (or didn’t have) with my husband was the unhealthiest relationship I was currently in. I knew something had to change- but it would be so drastic that I couldn’t fathom what letting it all go would look or feel like & how I could possibly keep any of us afloat through such a storm. So I held on & patched the rough spots & tried to do the work myself. If I could be better, love better, be more patient, show up for myself and for others in a better way, be a better mom/friend/wife, etc., then it would sort itself out. And it did. I was diagnosed with Cancer.

(Disclaimer: to the best of my knowledge, cancer is a shitty DIS-EASE that we may not be able to control and there are decades of science behind it claiming that it does not discriminate in who it targets. I am not insisting that I know much about this dis-ease, or it’s cures, or it’s reasons for being. I just knew when I got the diagnosis that a huge contributor to such diagnosis was a lack of integrity on my part. Of knowing and telling others how important it was to care for themselves but then bypassing that information when it came to me.)

I knew I had to get serious about my health and my life and what I valued and the dreams I had -because we truly do not ever know how much time we have on this earth. So I knew that it was time and I had only one choice. I had to let go; let go of the shit I had been carrying around for so many years. You guys, I found magazines & cds I’ve had since high school & somehow carried with me through multiple moves across country. It runs deep!!!

I grabbed the sand toy, took a deep breath, a big scoop that was my life, and I started shaking it. Letting it go.

I let go of my thoughts and beliefs around what was right or wrong and started getting more curious. I let go of my thoughts and expectations around marriage and family and what that all means & I let it go. I shook out my ideas of what it means to be “home” and let that go. I let go of who I thought I was, of trying to keep it all together, of trying to keep my kids so safe (because I was actually, potentially suffocating them)! I let go of my fears that had paralyzed me. Letting go takes time and energy and like 500 passes through that strainer, if you’re as stubborn as I!

I had to physically put myself in a place (state, house, etc) that felt safe and surround myself with people who felt safe -or at least away from people (a person) who didn’t feel safe to me. Once I got clear on what I needed and trusted my guts and committed to going & to doing the work- doors started opening and things fell into place in the most incredible way. And letting go of all the weight made things so much lighter and easier to carry. What’s that quote- about letting go of the weight of other peoples expectations? That might be the actual quote!!! Well, here’s another one!

Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness.

-Thich Nhat Hanh

So friends, my hope is that you’ve chosen more congruency and integrity through your lives and letting go isn’t such a drastic endeavor for you. No matter the situation- I’m sure there’s one thing you can think of right now that you can let go of – even if it’s that weird fork in your silverware drawer that you always avoid using! My invitation is that you take a good look at the foundation of your life. What works for you when everything else falls apart? What holds you together? What carries us through grief? Where to we turn to celebrate? With whom do we reach out to for support? Where is the unconditional love?

For me, I am rebuilding my foundation; tearing down the house and getting down to the bare bones. Trust, Honesty, Communication, Safety, Freedom, Integrity, Boundaries, Love… These are a few of the pillars I will build on. I’m redefining them, and diving deep into what they actually mean. In the weeks to follow- I’ll be deep diving into these pillars & I hope you’ll join me! It’s messy work, friends. Getting from A to B is not a linear line. Grief looks different for all of us. Letting go of that idea we ‘should’ all have our ‘ducks in a row’ is a good place to start!;) In the meantime, here are a few of my fave tunes this week:

All my love